wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
