hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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