I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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