oh god the rape fog is back!
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
