you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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