Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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