I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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