Umm I'm too high to move.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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