Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
