you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
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You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
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I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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