thus making me awesome and them whores
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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