she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
