When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
