i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
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On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
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I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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