All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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