i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
