I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
