I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
