Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
