I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?