I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
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oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
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Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.