How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i love accidental penises.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
