Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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