I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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