dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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