I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
