Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
