when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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