Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
