she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
