happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
