my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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