HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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