May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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