if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
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literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
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It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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