And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You ate ashes out of my bong
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
