I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
