Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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