I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
