I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
