I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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