mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
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Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
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He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
God I need to hump something, right now.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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