In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
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