I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I just found a bag of teeth...
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
