Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
