Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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