just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
