There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
