I swear to god he's a one man village people.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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