I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
