I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Randomize
