one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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