suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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