Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
