my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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