I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
