whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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