I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
